Preface: These exercises are making my souls grow, souls that are sprouting like mint, like weeds that grow between the tiles of a balcony, and it’s getting harder and harder to keep them at bay, and so these streams of consciousness are getting more and more confusing because there are so many of them and they’re all talking at the same time. it’s a madness, the madness that’s taking over me, and paradoxically I feel so sweet, so calm and it’s finally pleasant, I feel alive, damn sad and happily wanting.
It’s like being rocked by the waves of a stormy sea, knowing that you are in the right place, like someone who laughs because they are happy with this emotion, but this emotion is so strong that they also cry.
Everything begins with possession. They do nothing, on the contrary, they do everything they can to teach us to be possessive, and to be possessive fast. The word “mine” is one of the first things we are taught to say in a social context. The word “mine” is so highly valued that our desires are tied to the possession of something, our nightmares to the loss of something or of someone. Mine city, mine sex, mine mother, mine wife, mine husband, mine partner, mine mother, mine father.
If we want to stop feminicide, we should not promote getting married (as contract, as we know), which means possessing another soul.
So those who have no possessions are poor. We like trading, but not losing. This is because we have such a narrow view of our being that we have the idea that we can only have one thing. Seeing the happiness of someone else’s being is even more difficult. If we want to improve the lives of future generations, we should destabilise them by giving them as few fixed points as possible, as few landmarks as the points of the compass, but let them roam freely on the safe seas without fear of not being able to return.
Only then will sailing and exploration not be driven by the search for the extreme or the different, but become the nature of the thing, and only then will we be truly ready to fully accept the feelings.
Only then will we be ready to integrate, to integrate unconditionally.
***
You are within me, you will always be, whether I like it or not. I am who I am because of you. And it’s great that you are, and that makes me so proud of this vitality you’ve instilled in me (even if you weren’t aware). At the same time, I live on other plots made by all the encounters, disappointments, souls I have met. And if you knew how much I hate those branches that have grown from a few seeds that my parents told me were the best in the world, you would understand.
Accepting creeping spirits means that they can cooperate in ways we cannot predict, and that wonders can happen. Wonders of art.
It means that our highest aspiration is to be a stupid fucking machine if we try to silence them or are afraid of the seeds the wind brings us.
For you, for whom I am proud and for whom I see as an essential pillar of my enlightenment: If you need me, I will always be there, not to feel sorry for you, not to possess you, but to belong to you, to be you, to be happy, to be. Not for gratitude, but because it is the way things are.
You don’t need to explain why you’re fucked, just that I can save you now and I’m going to come to you. But at the same time, don’t ask me to stay, or to kill, or to limit any of my other souls. For like so many stitches, they serve to hold my shape.
***
I haven’t come to sit here since the days when I was at school…
What I think now is that I have to decide whether to die spiritually or physically, or rather to risk dying spiritually or physically. What I do know is that if everything remains the same, then on the physical level there is oblivion, the black hole that swallows up everything. On the other hand, if I try, without being a kamikaze, with respect for others, to change something, or at least to get all these demons out of me, I risk death on the outside, of the body, but not on the inside, or at least I have tried to do so.
If grace comes to us and does not leave us, then I think that there is nothing to forgive us except the fact that we thought we were revolutionaries and instead, at that very moment, we were hanging on to something that is based, it is founded, on possession. If we are dissatisfied now, if we are looking for and seeking exclusivity from each other, it is precisely because of this form of morbid possession that we have and that will never allow us to be happy.
To you, conscious and damned soul: I desire everything about you, I desire your skin, yes, I DESIRE your kisses, I DESIRE to look into your eyes, but I would be a fool to think that even if I gave up everything for you, that you would be everything. The truth of the matter is that you are so much more than my desires. My wish is that you will never be out of my life and that I will always be a living fire.
***
Someone said to me today, “Ah, but that’s why you’re a bit…” and she paused a little.
The truth of what she was saying was: “That’s why you are a bit strange”, but strange in terms of what? I’m here with tears and fears and light in my eyes, I’m here and a kind of crisis and calm, but in the end I can say that if you could understand this I would be much, much better, but it’s so hard to understand, maybe it’s so individual.
You have to be ready to be slightly gay, slightly lesbian, slightly transgender, slightly everything, and I don’t care because I want to look for love and looking for love hurts but it’s extremely exciting.
Every act, every anticipation is like a narcotic and it doesn’t matter what the price is because it makes you alive. Now I imagine looking into your eyes once again or being thrown or seeing pure indifference in those eyes. It doesn’t matter, but it would be goddamn life and it wouldn’t be death.
That for me would be chasing love but we must be careful not to be decadent now that my garden of souls is growing and flourishing.
I am now distracted and insane. A time bomb ready to implode, but if it doesn’t implode and manages to fragment respectfully, maybe it will be able to enjoy the past and the future.
We have reached that fucking level of intimacy that few seem to achieve. No matter how busy we are with the mundane, some things we feel are just ours.
And you should know that if you think I’m a scoundrel, I’m actually the idiot, I’m a stupid person, so stupid that many people who know me, who are references and authority in this society, would be willing to sign that I’m a fool.
Maybe I am a stupid person indeed.
If I don’t open the door to the demons to find out what is already marked and written, how can I find out what I am? Then, if it pleases you, I am a selfish fool who does not accept the fate that is mine.
***
Sometimes at the end of these illuminations I miss myself and I have the feeling that it is a choice between myself and myself.
I’ve never been more scared of death, I’ve never been more scared of death than I am now, I’ve never been more scared of feeling like I’m already dead, sometimes you feel like you’re already dead and that gives me power. And I’ll do anything to have a resurrection or to have a death forever and be proud of the scalp of other souls.
Because of this idea of possession, negative possession, I get angry when someone tells me they can’t live without me, because they can live without me. what I want to hear is that I am part of them, I hope I am part of you who read me, because maybe I give you strength to find something hidden.
Maybe you are part of me and if I am sure that I can live happily without you, I am also sure that I can live because of you. Because of what you have sown with me, you have sown in me. Surely you can live happily without me at all.
And that is the difference between possessing and having true unconditional Love. You must have lived with each other, you must have dreamed with each other and you must have hated each other in a fully respected way.
Addiction and possession, if you analyse them properly, are just feelings of hate, and if there is one thing that has always distinguished me, it is the fact that I have never been openly jealous. This is one of my few sources of pride.
***
It is time to go. Time to catch the train. Streams of consciousness, like dreams, cannot be picked up again when you wake up. This is the way it is going to be published.
***
If you have anything that is angry, that is enlightening, please write below and it will be sent to me by email. My only request is that you do not write anything obvious or trivial, just soulful contributions.
If you do that, I will be very fucking grateful to you.