I have never learned to be alone with myself, but I am learning not to judge others. It’s essential to stop the vicious cycle created by the correct relationship between the way we are perceived and the way we really are.
This society demands that you have only one role, one stereotype, you cannot be several souls at the same time. We talk about multi-gender, multi-ethnicity, trans-femininity, but we never talk about the possibility of being accepted and being more than one soul at once.
People should be recognised on the basis of their rights and not only on the basis of fulfilling the duties that most people have decided to fulfil. In this society, love for others and emotions are all directly proportional to possessions, and the older you get, the more artificially they are constructed and tied to material goods, and in any case, especially where love is concerned, everything becomes mechanical.
I’m not interested in mechanics, I don’t want to stop dreaming, I don’t want to stop loving those I have loved, I don’t want to stop loving those I love and I don’t want to stop loving those I will love. That is why I recognise several souls in me and they recognise themselves. Unfortunately, I am a child of this mentality, of this philosophy, which has imagined one becoming and not many beings, because analysed together, these souls are in opposition.
In order to be able to give space to the multitude of souls, I had to find the right time, the right space for each of them, without favouring any of them, so that no one soul would always dominate the others, and from a few souls more and more would flourish or rather reappear.
In order to be able to do this, you have to have few constraints, especially material constraints, that is, you have to be able to survive without overdoing it in a certain sense, or rather without overdoing it in today’s society. To do this, my strategy was to continue to feed and nourish myself with what my souls needed, and for this reason I began to select books very casually, a little on the spur of the moment, a little according to the gusts that came from the mouths of the various souls. In the same way I began to listen again to those songs that had marked me unconsciously, but which contained words so hard and cruel that they described much, much more than what we hum.
Many of you may think that this is an escape from responsibility, from reality, but it is not the other way round, it is an unregulated descent into oneself and it is as painful as it is exciting.
To close the doors to oneself, to one’s soul, to one’s desires, to avoid change except abruptly, is a pusillanimous attitude, and so I keep digging and cultivating, trying to go deeper and deeper inside myself, photographing myself, exploring, hurting myself, but every day without anyone noticing.
Respect for others, but most of all respect for oneself, respect for the whole of oneself, not to lose one’s parts, not to kill one’s feelings, one’s desires. It is such an important and simple lesson, but it is such a brilliant lesson that I pay for it each day explicitly when the people I teach it to have a relationship with another person, when I have a relationship with someone close to me.
To make that possible, it is important to build bridges and to move beyond the conflict with your past. Building bridges does not mean that we do not recognise it, it means that we appreciate it for what it was, and not for what we have tried to paint it and rewrite it for ourselves in the future.
In order to really understand, in a more analytical and sincere way, what we have seen, what we have experienced, and to avoid making the same mistakes and the same censorship, we need to avoid reading a censored past, but to open up to the past itself.
There are people in my past who are extraordinary, my leaving them behind was a foolish thing to do, but perhaps it was necessary in order to recognise their greatness.
In spite of all the theories of the past, they are now a part of my past, but they are far from being forgotten.
I want to shout to these people, “You’re exceptional, you’re amazing, you’re the most beautiful people in the world,” and if there was a way – a correct and rational way – to meet them again and adore them, I would do it.
This touches me and makes me cry, makes me cry in anger and in happiness.
I want to shout all my rage at others who are very close to me, who are part of my more distant past.
The first thing that I’m trying to do in order to achieve this is not to make any instinctive decisions. Perhaps this will surprise you, because the first thing that comes to mind when you think of freedom is “acting impulsively”. But that is not freedom, it is the expression of all the prejudices in our system. The instinct in a rotten body like ours is now just the set of prejudices, the set of layers that have been artificially constructed by us and by those who have created us and by those who have brought us up. That is why breaking with the corrupt past, but re-evaluating it for what it is, also means avoiding pandering or avoiding doing things to please others.
I have no discipline to adhere to this theory, but I try to write down the feelings of moments between ‘free and enlightenment’ as far as possible. There’s a moment when one can remember all the feelings, the colours and the nuances, the shadows and one’s heart, one’s body, and one is still connected to it, to that moment, but when one tries to write it, one remembers only the minutest details, and as time goes by, everything blurs and loses its sense. That is why this text will not be revised, will not be corrected, but will continue to be an unconditional, cursed stream of consciousness.